


i feel lonely in the darkness.

by theotherlucifer



Series: Lucifer One-shots [1]
Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Deckerstar - Freeform, F/M, Lucifer is in hell, Post-Season/Series 04, chloe sad, chloedecker, its sad, lucifermorningstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-26
Updated: 2019-12-12
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:15:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21575887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theotherlucifer/pseuds/theotherlucifer
Summary: "it's ever so lonely. all the love in your heart is taken from you, as if your soul has been ripped in half. there is no happiness."Lucifer is broken. He is distraught that he had to leave to Hell, a place he hates with burning passion. Hell is so much worse than any of us can begin to imagine and Lucifer is stuck there to protect Chloe.But what exactly is he trying to protect her from?post-season 4
Relationships: Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar
Series: Lucifer One-shots [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1561798
Comments: 3
Kudos: 36





	1. Chapter 1

there are no stars to gaze upon and wonder curiously about the mysteries they hold. there are no flowers or gardens to lay in and smile, enjoying the way the grass feels against your legs. there are no oceans to swim that allow you to feel free as the water takes away your worries. there are no forests to wander that enable you to become lost in deep thought about the secrets of the world. there is no love to comfort you and make you feel whole. there are not even fires to bring light to the lifeless pit we call Hell.

there is only darkness which looms over you, suffocating you, ridding you of anything and everything left of your broken soul. and then there is ash, that falls from the empty nothingness of the sky. the ash is like snow, but for all the wrong reasons. it's not light like you'd expect, it's heavy and cold and sends shivers down your body as it lands on your soft skin, taking away your beauty and replacing it with darkness. just more darkness.

and it's lonely. it's ever so lonely. all the love in your heart is taken from you as if your soul has been ripped in half. there is no happiness.

he didn't want to go back. he knows the horror that place brings and the way in changes who you are. taking away all the good inside you until only the evil remains and you forget who you once were. until you forget what it means to feel whole again.

but for him maybe it's worse than just that. it's not just the pain of hell or the way it tortures your soul just by being there. for him, it's not the suffocating darkness or the godawful ash ruining his suit, that hurts. it's the loneliness that hurts the most. it's the being away from her.

hell forces a man to remember their worst memories. it forces them to replay over and over in their mind the torment they faced. and so now as he sits on his throne, his heart broken in two, his mind replays over and over his loss. over and over in his mind, he sees her face, the tears streaming down her cheeks as she begs him not to go. not to leave her. and no matter how hard he tries, he is forced to remember over and over, what he lost.

and he tells himself over and over again that he couldn't have changed it. he had to go. but he doesn't really believe that. he knows, deep down, they could have fought. they'd done it before, over and over, and seemed that they always came out victorious. they had fought the demons once, why could they not again? when Uriel threatened Chloe, he had been dealt with, so why could it not be done again?

and he knew in his heart that it wasn't the demons that made him have to leave. it wasn't the threat that they had posed. no. he hated this place and the despair that comes with it. he hated this place and the way it broke you, bit by bit until you couldn't recognise the monster you saw in the mirror. the monster you truly are.

and he left for her.

he left to protect her.

from himself.

he knows that he is poison to anyone who dares to care about him. he knows he ruins everything. he knows he hurts others constantly with his reckless and immature behaviour. he tormented souls for an eternity. and he knows he enjoyed it. he killed a human. and he knows he liked it. and he knows what that says about him.

he knows he is a monster.

he knows that he is evil.

at least that's what he tells himself. every single day.

and so here he sits at rock bottom, high upon his obsidian throne waiting for his mind to forget, but his broken heart forbids him to do so.

+++

it's cold despite the fact that the air is warm and the duvet is thick and cosy. it's cold despite the sweat running down her back evaporating quickly into hot steam. it's cold inside of her. it's cold because he isn't there to warm her heart and fill the devastatingly empty bed she lies in. it's cold because she's hurting. it's ever so cold.

and it's lonely. even downstairs in the club with the blasting music and crowds of drunken people. it's lonely even with Maze and Linda, chugging various drinks to wash away the pain. it's lonely because he's not there and now it feels like part of her will never be whole again.

and she feels empty. like the only thing inside of her is a deep, dark pit of nothingness. part of her is missing, it went down there with him. the love, the happiness. it's just gone.

and it hurts. the nothingness hurts. the empty feeling left in her gut, in her heart, it hurts. it's like a black hole is sucking all the life out of her, taking away her soul until she can no longer remember what it's like to feel normal. what it's like to feel whole.

and so she wonders. if she can feel so broken here on this neutral ground, what must he feel down in the darkness of Hell? and so she cries, and she cries, remembering the look on his face as he left. and said his last goodbye.

and so she sits, in the darkness of the brightly lit room waiting for him to come home. her drunken mind trying to forget her pain but her broken heart forbids her to do so.


	2. there's an empty hole inside of me (that only you can fill)

there _are_ stars that you can gaze at and reminisce on memories you once had with them. and there _are_ flowers that make your eyes water as you are reminded of all the missed opportunities you had to give them to _her_. and there _are_ fields to lay in as melancholy thoughts enter your mind and you remember the life you once had. there _are_ oceans which swallow you whole and help you to drown out the pain of remembering. and there _are_ forests to walk in and see the eyes staring at you from the darkness, reminding you of every little one of your insecurities. 

they _are_ there. but they are not the same as we expect. they all come with nightmares and horrors as baggage. they all have stories, the kind that leave scars in your mind. so yes, there are these places we consider beautiful. there are these places we love in and laugh in. but _these_ places, _here_ , they are not the same. being in these places everything becomes ruined. it feels dull. it feels wrong.

black and white.

and he knows the feeling of the first time he entered these scenes. and he watched. and he felt... _nice._ too nice. and he witnesses the feeling you get when you walk into a place so overwhelmingly perfect that makes the place feel _off_. horrifyingly _off_. and so you feel your subconscious urging you to leave. but you can't. because _it's nice._

and lucifer enters, over and over these places as he searches through these cells. trying, begging, hoping, to find places that remind him of his life, his life that was with her. and every time he enters, his heart skips a beat, and he remembers the feeling of being someone, being whole. but just as quickly the sadness, the loneliness, the emptiness comes flooding back. and he sees, over and over the broken anguish of regret that ended the poor miscreant here. and he never learns to leave before it happens. he just stands there. watching. as the colour, that was brought to his face as entered, drains away. and he stares, and he can't look away. as the horror, the pain, the punishment is given to the cell's prisoner. and all the good he felt is ruined.

and he knows. deep down he knows. he could go back.

he could be with her.

but he doesn't leave. no matter how much pain he endures. he stays.

to protect her. from himself.

but it's more than that.

he's punishing himself.

and once he entered a cell. it was his own. reserved just for him made after his several deaths. when he had died for _her_. and he sat down at the elegant piano, wishing it was real. and he put his fingers on the keys and he began to play a song. _their_ song. and he wishes he hadn't. the beats wobble in the air, sounding out of time. the notes sharpened, flattened, changed. and he curses. because hell ruins music too.

but then he feels it.

the piercing pain in his head. he screams. and at first, he believes it's his loop, hurting him, tormenting him. and he leaves his cells but the ringing in his ears continues. and he crumbles to the floor. and he cries and begs it to stop.

and then he hears the words begin. it's _her_. and his heart falters. he hasn't heard that voice in over 7 _hundred_ years.

 _today Amenadiel told me your name. Samael. maybe this time you'll hear my prayer Lucifer. i just wanted to tell you i am hurting. it's been 6 months and still, my mind forbids be to think of anything other than you. we all miss you._ i _miss you. i just want you to come home now._

and then the piercing pain in his head stops. but he doesn't stop crying. and he begs. 

he begs for the piercing to _come back_.

and he whispers his apologies. knowing she won't hear. 

he left so he wouldn't hurt her.

but he has.

and so he knows what he needs to do.

+++

she whispers to herself in the darkness of her home. praying to the angel he once was. and the message is clear. it's always the same. _come home_. 

_please_.

and the tears kept on falling from her eyes. and they didn't stop. you'd be surprised how much water is in a single human being. and she just kept crying, hoping the tears would wash away her pain. her sadness. and she screamed, wishing, hoping, begging, he would hear her. and come running back. _home_.

and the bottle lounging in her hand whispered in her mind, infesting her thoughts. _drink_. and so she did. she drunk and she drunk, allowing her mind to be at peace for the night. but no matter how hard she tries, her mind, her heart, can't forget. _him._ and even after 6 months, she refuses to believe he's not coming back.

because of course he is. 

right?

and no matter how many people tell her otherwise, she can't believe it. she can't. because they love each other. so he'd come back.

right?

but she doesn't know that's the reason he left in the first place. he doesn't want her to love him. he knows he'd only hurt her.

but he already has. 

in leaving.

and so she continues to cry and wait for the man she loves. pushing away, every friend she has. knowing that only _he_ can fill the empty place inside of her.

and she feels his hand resting on her shoulder and turns to see him smile at her. and oh, that smile. and she cries. she knows it's not real. the alcohol in her brain is playing tricks on her. she's hallucinating.

 _you're not real_. she mumbles drunkenly and sighs.

_i'm home. detective. it's me._

and she wants to believe him. she does.

she leans to hug him tight. hoping maybe this time it's real. but like always he dissolves away in her fingers. and she curses. she cries. he was never there. he never will be. and she hates her mind for tricking her. it just makes it worse.

and she hears a knocking on the door and doesn't want to open it. she's drunk. she's a mess. she doesn't want to be seen like this. it's probably dan, or ella, or another friend forcing her to stop breaking down over a man that isn't coming back.

but then she finds her self walking to the door anyway. she stumbles as she opens the door.

 _i don't want to hear what you have to say. i know you think he isn't coming back, but i don't care._ she murmurs angrily to the open door, not looking up to who she's talking to.

 _not quite the reaction i was expecting._ the soot-covered man at the door says.

and finally she looks up. her eyes widen. and almost crumbles to the floor.

_lucifer?_

_hi._ he smiles. and oh, that smile.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, guys hope you enjoy this story, let me know what you think. Not sure if I will continue this story or not so let me know if you think I should. x


End file.
